The foster and adoption community is ripe with hurt.

Whether it’s children fighting to find their identity or parents willingly stepping into the broken places of their kids’ stories, this community is filled with people paralyzed by pain.

But the paralyzing pain, I believe, is not God’s desire.

On our difficult march uphill to healing, we must understand and accept that healing is not an isolated pilgrimage. We were never meant to hurt or heal alone.

God created us to be radically reliant on each other.

So, healing is not a solo project.

3 weeks ago, I shared a list of 7 Things Healing Is Not. And #2 on that list was this:

Healing is not a solo project.

Coincidentally, a month ago, I had the opportunity to review an advanced copy of Jennie Allen’s new book, Find Your People. (No affiliate link—just a true link for your convenience.)

And, though Jennie’s book was not written specifically to the foster/adoption community, as I read the book, I couldn’t help but notice the helpful overlap in themes.

Her theme: We need each other.
My theme: We need each other in order to heal.

This post is not a review. (Plenty of reviews here.) But here are 5 of my favorite quotes from the book along with how I think Jennie’s thoughts apply to our healing.

1. “We can’t have what we aren’t willing to become” (page 57).

One of the major hurdles to finding a group of people with whom we can heal, is this: We don’t currently live in a community-minded culture. Independence is the great golden calf of our day.

So we’ve struggled alone and ended up lonely, frustrated, and sad.

To find people who are willing to be transparent Truth-tellers, we have to start by being someone who is a transparent Truth-teller.

2. “Suffering alone only makes suffering worse” (page 10).

Isolation is stunningly counterproductive to healing.

What we need is not more withdrawal or detachment, but “people ready to be something deeper than supper club friends” (page 146).

One way we actively steer into recovery is by finding people with whom we can honestly tell our stories, share our struggles, and be encouraged (and likewise encourage) with Truth.

We have to look for people in our current communities whom we know will listen intently and then tenderly, stubbornly point us to Jesus.

(Hint: Maybe the person who could be the most helpful in your healing isn’t currently part of the foster/adoption community. That’s okay!)

3. “If you want to be effective, then ask for help” (page 206).

If you have an ache that cannot be shaken, you need to ask for help.

Is this uncomfortable? Of course it is! But it could pay off in ways you never imagined.

Here’s a truth that has taken me too many years to learn: Where there’s great joy, there is also (almost always) deep pain. Parenting, ministry, foster care, adoption, life.

But people don’t know you’re struggling or specifically what you need until you tell them.

If you truly want to heal, ask for help.

4. “Complaining seeks relief. Vulnerability seeks transformation and connection” (page 113).

While distinguishing the difference between complaint and vulnerability can be a tricky needle to thread, it’s critically important that we understand the difference.

Years ago, I sat in an adoptive moms group and listened to a group of women unload their caustic and corrosive opinions about their adopted children—the way they talked, the way they smelled, the way they looked.

I kept waiting for these moms to circle back to anything resembling hope or love.
Instead, I left the meeting deeply sad.

I’m fully supportive of safe places to share our hurts and frustrations. And I’m not a fan of pretending everything’s okay when it’s not. (As I said here, if you tell me you’re having a hard time, I will believe you.)

But if we just focus on problems and never on solutions, chances are, we may just be complaining.

5. “You will always be doing community with sinners” (page 53).

This probably feels like a negative point to end on, but it’s important to level our expectations from the beginning so as not to add hurt upon hurt.

In Jennie’s words, “You will disappoint me. I will disappoint you. God will never disappoint us” (page 45).

People will fail us. You know that already. But God’s determined commitment to you will never end.

Find Your People

Yes, the foster and adoption community is ripe with hurt, but that also means it is ripe for healing.

So, I’m going to ask you to take a risk with me. Together, let’s choose connection over isolation Let’s identify someone with whom we can be transparent. And let’s start a conversation.

And then, inch by inch, let’s continue to walk toward healing and growth.