“I sometimes think that shame, mere awkward, senseless shame, does as much towards preventing good acts and straightforward happiness as any of our vices can do.”

C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

I love this quote.

Honestly, what kind of card-carrying Christian writer would I be if I didn’t quote C.S. Lewis once in a while? You would think me a fraud.

But for real. I feel the truth of this quote in my bones.

Mere awkward, senseless shame is destructive.

Here’s a recent, tiny shift in my thinking that has radically changed my view of shame and guilt.

I believe there’s a huge difference between self-conviction (shame) and the conviction of the Holy Spirit (guilt). And here’s a simple way I believe we can know the difference:

When God convicts us, He convicts us of specific sin. For example, “You should not have lied” or, “You should have shown mercy.” That is gutsy guilt that should lead to repentance and restoration (which is ultimately the goal, isn’t it?) In this way, guilt is a gift.

Self-conviction—shame—on the other hand, is condemning and defeating. “You are a failure. You never get it right. Your child isn’t going to succeed because of you.”

This self-convicting shame is a trademark of the Enemy who stands opposed to healthy relationships—with God and with each other.

Shame and guilt have totally different motives resulting in totally different outcomes.

Shame isn’t an effective parenting strategy.

And it’s not an effective strategy for living a healthy life.

When God convicts, the goal is repentance and reconciliation.
Self-conviction condemns.

I think it’s important to know and recognize the difference.